Years ago I took an online writing course in which I was instructed to edit the following piece of writing by cutting the word count and tightening up the story. It will serve as day thirteen’s “play with word count” assignment. (Please bear with me!)
Original By Instructor: When Henry went on vacation to the south sea island of Bognor he went for several deep sea dives in and around the island country’s enchantingly beautiful coastal caverns. He found it to be a totally mesmerizing adventure under the glorious crystal clear sea. And then one day, as he was about to finish a dive, he saw her. Glenda. He saw her while still 30 feet underwater. She was like a glorious, mesmerizing, enchanting sea mermaid with long long silky golden blonde hair flowing in the currants of the crystal clear sea waters off the coast of Bognor.
He knew from the start, deep down in his heart, that she and he never were meant to be apart. But suddenly and totally unexpectedly, as he floated lazily toward her, watching her golden locks float above the coral reef, a strong current intervened and ripped them apart.
Henry lost his mask and air regulator. And soon, as he floated down down down towards the murky depth of the sea bed, he lost total consciousness…
My Edited Version: While vacationing on the south sea island of Bognor, Henry went deep sea diving daily. He was mesmerized by the beautiful coastal caverns and pristine waters. On the last day of his vacation, while taking his final dive, he saw her. He was 30 feet underwater, enjoying the flora and fauna. She was gliding in his direction, golden hair gently flowing behind her. As the distance between them closed, Henry was struck by her serene beauty. With sudden clarity he knew this was the woman of his dreams. He reached out to her, and as she glided into his arms, his world went black.
She had disconnected his air regulator, removed his mask and swam away. Glenda did not like deep sea divers.
good job! you kept the essence and tightened it up! editing is a difficult assignment!
Thank you😊 the instructor laughed at the surprise ending!