Some Saturday Chuckles


My night job is searching for funnies to share. My day job is sharing them. Happy Saturday.
“Diapers and politicians should be changed often…and for the same reason” Mark Twain
“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” Clarence Darrow
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”– Clint Eastwood
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”– Dave Barry
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”– Erma Bombeck
“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”– Fred Allen
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”– Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”– Margaret Mead
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”– Milton Berle
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”– Ralph Waldo Emerson
OLD PEOPLE AT WEDDINGS ALWAYS POKE ME AND SAY YOU'RE NEXT SOI ...

Armchair Golfer


I guess you could call me an armchair golfer; if I don’t feel like going out I’ll stay at home and putter or maybe iron a tee.

If I need some greens I’ll call a driver to take me out because it’s a fair way to the store.

Sometimes I like to walk in the woods, but I also enjoy going to a ball and a chance to bogey…(or is it boogie?)

Of course I love the birdies and often feel on par with them when I feel like soaring like an eagle.

My armchair golf shoes are worn out; there’s even a hole in one.

Am I handicapped being an armchair golfer? If you think so, please call fore! before you rough me up, take a swing at me, or cart me off for trying to know the game before I know the score. 

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith;” 2 Timothy 4:7 Happy Sunday.

PS: God does have a sense of humor. ‘He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. Job 8: 21

Golf-Ball-Cartoon-1 - Golf Lessons – Learn the One Plane Swing

The Final Exam


Well known and long time Canadian politician, John Crosbie has died at the age of 88.

He was known for a sharp tongue and quick wit.

It is said he was an avid reader and when once asked what book he was currently reading, his reply was, “The Bible; I want to be prepared for my final exam.”

Not bad advice, I’d say. Happy Saturday.

 

All That is Good


Besides being known for great preaching, open friendliness and hospitality, our church is home to a few comedians who brighten our lives with quips right up there with the best stand-ups in the world.

For example, noting all the terrorism taking place in churches of late, one of our gentlemen advised our Pastor to keep the church doors locked during services lest someone come in and kill us in our sleep.

This is not to make light of the horrible happenings in places of worship, but to acknowledge that although there are people in the world who would destroy all that is good, all that is good will prevail.

Does God Have a Sense of Humor?


All life lessons should include laughter so here are a few funnies that have come my way over the years.

GOOD SAMARITAN – A Sunday School teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the side of the road wounded and bleeding what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the silence with, “I think I’d throw up.”

DID NOAH FISH? – A Sunday School teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?” “No,” replied Johnny, “How could he with just two worms.”

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD – A Sunday School teacher asked her young class to memorize one of the most quoted passages of the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. One boy couldn’t get past the first line even after much practice. On the day to recite the Psalm in front of the congregation Ricky was so nervous he stepped up to the microphone and said, “The Lord is my shepherd and that’s all I need to know.”

UNANSWERED PRAYER – The preacher’s five-year-old daughter asked her dad why he always bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. “Well, Honey,” he explained, “I”m praying to the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon.” “How come He doesn’t answer?” she asked.

TO PRAY OR NOT TO PRAY – Sunday dinner was at Grandmother’s house and after everyone was served, little Johnny began to eat his meal at once. “Johnny, please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied.” “You know we always say a prayer at our house,” his mother reminded him. “That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

SAYING A PRAYER – While praying over a person who was suffering gas pain, I closed the prayer with, “And, Lord, help him to remember that this too shall pass.”

Does God have a sense of humor? I hope so.

God Has a Sense of Humor


God has a sense of humor…or at least some of his clergy do. We had a guest speaker for our men’s day service yesterday. This pastor also happens to be a wonderful saxophone player who often plays in the contemporary music part of our services. He did not play his sax yesterday but did make reference to human saxuality and sax appeal. You would wonder how that fit into a sermon but it did, much to the congregation’s delight…or at least most of us.

The choir was a special men’s group consisting of twenty-six gents of various ages including three youth, the youngest being twelve, our regular pastor, the guest pastor, and a trumpet player. The music was superb and a solo performed by one of our regular tenors was flawless, moving a couple of our ladies to tears.

Whether or not we believe God has a sense of humor we need only look at Psalm 126:2 Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy to describe our congregation yesterday.

God obviously has endowed our (dare I say saxy?) guest preacher with the gift of laughter and the ability to share it.

 

 

The Wise Old Owl


“A wise old owl sat in an oak; the more he saw the less he spoke; the less he spoke the more he heard; why can’t we all be like this wise old bird?” Anonymous.

At this moment and in times to come our world needs a wealth of wisdom.

Owl I ask is that you give a hoot!

Image result for owl photos

 

God’s Sense of Humor


Big fat, fluffy, flakes of falling snow are accumulating all around my field of vision which happens to be in Scarborough, Ontario, Canada. Now this is to be expected in the throes of winter but today is April 6th!

The crocuses and daffodils were beginning to smile their way up through the thawing earth, and have had to postpone their journey…for who knows how long?

Snow shovels and salt pails stored away for the next eight months or so are about to be resurrected. Robins were chirping their spring songs and are now hiding in various tree branches.

I’m very happy that God has a sense of humor but would rather he give me something warmer to laugh about.

The One enthroned in heaven laughs; Psalms 2:4

 

 

Oops!


I’m not sure where I heard or read the following, or whether or not it was meant to be humorous. What do you think?

This is about a middle-aged woman who wants a new improved self.  Unfortunately, she ends up injured in a car accident and is rushed to hospital. As she floats in and out of consciousness, she begs God to keep her alive. God tells her not to worry and promises her a long, long life.

While she is in hospital recovering from her broken bones, she figures she might as well get a few other things done. She opts for a tummy tuck, a breast augmentation, has her eyes lifted and her nose reduced. She looks and feels like a new woman and can’t wait to show the world.

She has just left hospital for home when a bus rounds the corner, slams into her and kills her. When she gets to heaven she’s furious and tells God, “You said I was going to live a long life. What happened?”

God studies her face and says, “I didn’t recognize you!”

Oops!

Words to Live By


Words have a way of wandering around my mind and looking for a place to plant themselves. That is when I grab paper, pen, pencil or keyboard and let them have their way.

I love words. They can decorate a plain piece of paper with wisdom, advice, humor, sorrow, poetry, profanity, romance, love…and tragedy. I heard these words of advice on CBC Radio One yesterday, from a call-in listener. The topic was the Syrian refugees and the photo of the little three-year-old boy who washed up on a shore in Turkey, from a capsized boat which would hopefully lead to a new life here in Canada.

The radio host lamented the fact that we don’t always pay close attention to world events until something like the plight of this innocent child brings us to attention…that we fail to take action when and where it is needed. The caller then made this comment: “Don’t look back at what you didn’t do in the past…look forward to what you can do now.” Words. Words to think by, words to feel by, words to act by, words to live by.

Words come in many languages, are spoken by many tongues, are heard by many ears, are written by many authors, poets, laymen, and preachers.

It is also written…In the beginning was the Word…

Word for word, those are words to live by.