Old Jokes Made New Again


I’ve posted some humor in the past so please forgive me if you catch some repeats. Just consider them as old jokes made new again.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole was found in a nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Until tomorrow….

Some Sunday Humor


Job 8:21 He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.

This scripture prompted me to post some Sunday humor:

Haircuts and Walking

A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and asked his father if he could now use the car. His father made him a deal. “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.” The boy agreed and six weeks later his father said to him, “Son, I’m real proud. You brought your grades up and I’ve seen that you’ve been studying your Bible but I’m disappointed that you haven’t gotten your hair cut.” The son responded, “You know, Dad, I’ve noticed that in the Bible Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and even Jesus had long hair,” to which his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

Happy Sunday.
    

Some Saturday Chuckles


My night job is searching for funnies to share. My day job is sharing them. Happy Saturday.
“Diapers and politicians should be changed often…and for the same reason” Mark Twain
“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” Clarence Darrow
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”– Clint Eastwood
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”– Dave Barry
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”– Erma Bombeck
“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”– Fred Allen
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”– Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”– Margaret Mead
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”– Milton Berle
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”– Ralph Waldo Emerson
OLD PEOPLE AT WEDDINGS ALWAYS POKE ME AND SAY YOU'RE NEXT SOI ...

Armchair Golfer


I guess you could call me an armchair golfer; if I don’t feel like going out I’ll stay at home and putter or maybe iron a tee.

If I need some greens I’ll call a driver to take me out because it’s a fair way to the store.

Sometimes I like to walk in the woods, but I also enjoy going to a ball and a chance to bogey…(or is it boogie?)

Of course I love the birdies and often feel on par with them when I feel like soaring like an eagle.

My armchair golf shoes are worn out; there’s even a hole in one.

Am I handicapped being an armchair golfer? If you think so, please call fore! before you rough me up, take a swing at me, or cart me off for trying to know the game before I know the score. 

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith;” 2 Timothy 4:7 Happy Sunday.

PS: God does have a sense of humor. ‘He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. Job 8: 21

Golf-Ball-Cartoon-1 - Golf Lessons – Learn the One Plane Swing

The Final Exam


Well known and long time Canadian politician, John Crosbie has died at the age of 88.

He was known for a sharp tongue and quick wit.

It is said he was an avid reader and when once asked what book he was currently reading, his reply was, “The Bible; I want to be prepared for my final exam.”

Not bad advice, I’d say. Happy Saturday.

 

All That is Good


Besides being known for great preaching, open friendliness and hospitality, our church is home to a few comedians who brighten our lives with quips right up there with the best stand-ups in the world.

For example, noting all the terrorism taking place in churches of late, one of our gentlemen advised our Pastor to keep the church doors locked during services lest someone come in and kill us in our sleep.

This is not to make light of the horrible happenings in places of worship, but to acknowledge that although there are people in the world who would destroy all that is good, all that is good will prevail.

Does God Have a Sense of Humor?


All life lessons should include laughter so here are a few funnies that have come my way over the years.

GOOD SAMARITAN – A Sunday School teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the side of the road wounded and bleeding what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the silence with, “I think I’d throw up.”

DID NOAH FISH? – A Sunday School teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?” “No,” replied Johnny, “How could he with just two worms.”

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD – A Sunday School teacher asked her young class to memorize one of the most quoted passages of the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. One boy couldn’t get past the first line even after much practice. On the day to recite the Psalm in front of the congregation Ricky was so nervous he stepped up to the microphone and said, “The Lord is my shepherd and that’s all I need to know.”

UNANSWERED PRAYER – The preacher’s five-year-old daughter asked her dad why he always bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. “Well, Honey,” he explained, “I”m praying to the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon.” “How come He doesn’t answer?” she asked.

TO PRAY OR NOT TO PRAY – Sunday dinner was at Grandmother’s house and after everyone was served, little Johnny began to eat his meal at once. “Johnny, please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied.” “You know we always say a prayer at our house,” his mother reminded him. “That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

SAYING A PRAYER – While praying over a person who was suffering gas pain, I closed the prayer with, “And, Lord, help him to remember that this too shall pass.”

Does God have a sense of humor? I hope so.

God Has a Sense of Humor


God has a sense of humor…or at least some of his clergy do. We had a guest speaker for our men’s day service yesterday. This pastor also happens to be a wonderful saxophone player who often plays in the contemporary music part of our services. He did not play his sax yesterday but did make reference to human saxuality and sax appeal. You would wonder how that fit into a sermon but it did, much to the congregation’s delight…or at least most of us.

The choir was a special men’s group consisting of twenty-six gents of various ages including three youth, the youngest being twelve, our regular pastor, the guest pastor, and a trumpet player. The music was superb and a solo performed by one of our regular tenors was flawless, moving a couple of our ladies to tears.

Whether or not we believe God has a sense of humor we need only look at Psalm 126:2 Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy to describe our congregation yesterday.

God obviously has endowed our (dare I say saxy?) guest preacher with the gift of laughter and the ability to share it.

 

 

The Wise Old Owl


“A wise old owl sat in an oak; the more he saw the less he spoke; the less he spoke the more he heard; why can’t we all be like this wise old bird?” Anonymous.

At this moment and in times to come our world needs a wealth of wisdom.

Owl I ask is that you give a hoot!

Image result for owl photos

 

God’s Sense of Humor


Big fat, fluffy, flakes of falling snow are accumulating all around my field of vision which happens to be in Scarborough, Ontario, Canada. Now this is to be expected in the throes of winter but today is April 6th!

The crocuses and daffodils were beginning to smile their way up through the thawing earth, and have had to postpone their journey…for who knows how long?

Snow shovels and salt pails stored away for the next eight months or so are about to be resurrected. Robins were chirping their spring songs and are now hiding in various tree branches.

I’m very happy that God has a sense of humor but would rather he give me something warmer to laugh about.

The One enthroned in heaven laughs; Psalms 2:4