Tag Archives: jokes

Some Saturday Snickers

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From snickers to guffaws and all other forms of laughter here are a few funnies (or not so) to put a little smile on your face; don’t know where they came from but here you go. Happy Saturday.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

How about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal to transcend dental medication.

Two in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Two fish swam into a concrete wall causing one of them to mutter, “Dam!”

If you jumped off a bridge in Paris you’d be in Seine.

When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.

A backward poet writes inverse.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I apologize if these didn’t put a snicker in your Saturday.

Needing a Chuckle?

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At the risk of some duplication I offer a few more collected chuckles.

I tried to catch some fog but I mist.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

When chemists die they barium

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the grass.’

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Until next time…

Old Jokes Made New Again

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I’ve posted some humor in the past so please forgive me if you catch some repeats. Just consider them as old jokes made new again.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole was found in a nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Until tomorrow….

Some Saturday Chuckles

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My night job is searching for funnies to share. My day job is sharing them. Happy Saturday.
“Diapers and politicians should be changed often…and for the same reason” Mark Twain
“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” Clarence Darrow
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”– Clint Eastwood
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”– Dave Barry
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”– Erma Bombeck
“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”– Fred Allen
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”– Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”– Margaret Mead
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”– Milton Berle
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”– Ralph Waldo Emerson
OLD PEOPLE AT WEDDINGS ALWAYS POKE ME AND SAY YOU'RE NEXT SOI ...

More Saturday Fun

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Sometimes I just can’t help myself when it comes to sharing. Here are some more jokes I found on the Internet. Happy Saturday.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

Why don’t ants ever get sick? Because they have little anty bodies.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire

What did one toilet say to the other? You look flushed.

My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!” I texted him back: “I’m busy working. I’ll send one later.” “That’s hilarious,” he said. “Send another one!”

What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis!

Why aren’t koalas actual bears? The don’t meet the koalafications

Where do beef burgers go to dance? The meatball.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

No groans please.

Some Saturday Fun

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Yesterday I read that laughter is good for the heart so I looked up some jokes on the internet.

How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!”

What did the left eye say to the right eye? “Between you and me, something smells.”

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.

What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.

Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving little messages around the house.

Paranoia has reached absurd stages. I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own.

Anyone chuckling yet? Happy Saturday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Play on Words

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Continuing Saturday’s play on words known as lexophilia:

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

England has no kidney bank but it has a Liverpool.

I was told I had type-A blood but it was a typo.

When chemists die they barium.

I’m reading a good book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

Why were the Natives here first? They had reservations.

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine in trouble

A dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary is a known as a thesaurus.

All the toilets in New York City have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

That’s the end of lexophilia laughs until another time. Enjoy your day.

 

 

 

 

A New Word (for me)

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In case you’re not familiar with the word lexophilia here is an explanation I found online:

“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, especially those set in a new framework. 

“You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.” 

Here are a few other examples:

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. The details are sketchy.

I tried to catch some fog but I mist. 

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

The guy who’s addicted to brake fluid says he can stop at any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

There’s more where these came from. Stay tuned.

 

 

 

God’s Sense of Humor

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Big fat, fluffy, flakes of falling snow are accumulating all around my field of vision which happens to be in Scarborough, Ontario, Canada. Now this is to be expected in the throes of winter but today is April 6th!

The crocuses and daffodils were beginning to smile their way up through the thawing earth, and have had to postpone their journey…for who knows how long?

Snow shovels and salt pails stored away for the next eight months or so are about to be resurrected. Robins were chirping their spring songs and are now hiding in various tree branches.

I’m very happy that God has a sense of humor but would rather he give me something warmer to laugh about.

The One enthroned in heaven laughs; Psalms 2:4

 

 

Oops!

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I’m not sure where I heard or read the following, or whether or not it was meant to be humorous. What do you think?

This is about a middle-aged woman who wants a new improved self.  Unfortunately, she ends up injured in a car accident and is rushed to hospital. As she floats in and out of consciousness, she begs God to keep her alive. God tells her not to worry and promises her a long, long life.

While she is in hospital recovering from her broken bones, she figures she might as well get a few other things done. She opts for a tummy tuck, a breast augmentation, has her eyes lifted and her nose reduced. She looks and feels like a new woman and can’t wait to show the world.

She has just left hospital for home when a bus rounds the corner, slams into her and kills her. When she gets to heaven she’s furious and tells God, “You said I was going to live a long life. What happened?”

God studies her face and says, “I didn’t recognize you!”

Oops!